It seems…

Like I have two different people living inside of me. One seems to be about four years old and prone to hysteria. The other is a very pulled together 16 year old. That’s the one that can handle anything. I had someone write me from the ARDS site, where I’d written when Jeffrey was in the ICU. The woman’s mother had this and she wanted to know how Jeffrey was doing. I had to write and tell her he’d died. One of the women on a grief list said something similar had happened to her too. The reason we go to those sites, she said, is because we want them to tell us everything will be okay. Unfortunately, a lot of times, things aren’t okay. It made me slightly hysterical, thinking somehow that Jeffrey was alive and still stuck in the ICU. I don’t think I could have stood that. In many ways, it’s easier to deal with his death than to think of having to deal with that.

So I had that 4 year old near hysteria over that and managed to finally talk myself back down. It was really just a matter of telling myself that Jeffrey was okay and wasn’t in the ICU any more. I tell people that there are worse things than death. Watching someone you love with tubes in their throat, kept alive by a machine, is the most awful thing you can imagine. It becomes even worse when you hit that spot where no hope is left and you have to let them go. At least, the suffering for them is over and they are at peace. I work towards letting myself be at peace with the loss of my love.

I bought a new old car this week, an ’87 Mazda 323. I need a backup car, something cheap with less mileage on it. Still trying to get it home, but might manage that tomorrow. I think it will be fun to drive. I haven’t owned a stick shift in awhile. I feel good about making that decision, although I still don’t know if it was a wise one or not.

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