As you know, Jeffrey died in October. That first night I was in the ICU, I was sitting in the waiting room talking to Ginger as the nurses did some things to him. A man stopped by to chat. His wife was down the hall in the ICU, fighting lung cancer and pnuemonia. We talked about goats and parrots, medical proceedures. Over the time Jeffrey was in the ICU, I would bump into this man and we would talk. It was a strange thing. It felt like a bubble of normalcy would surround us. We were going through the same hell, with the same doctors. He’d been married for 21 years, so it was just as difficult for him as it was for me. On the 12th, I talked to him in the ICU, on his way for a family meeting to take his wife off the ventilator. She died that night. I had to make the same decision for Jeffrey the next day.
We kept in touch by email and phone, with long phone calls talking about the things that had happened to us. There were no defenses between us, as neither of us had the energy to lie. We talked about our spouses and tried to make sense of the terrible thing that had happened. The memorial services were a day apart. He wanted to come out to talk to me, but it didn’t happen. He went silent for a couple of weeks. I continued to send emails. He finally let me know that he was attracted to me, but felt that I would not be ready for advances like that. We continued to talk and went to the Art Museum together. There were sparks there, for sure. Things began to heat up between us.
We’ve gone through a couple of bad spots in our relationship and every time, it deepens. It’s blossomed into love, for both of us. It’s still terribly early after the death of our spouses and that may be why we have this fast and faster relationship. When you’ve had a loved one die suddenly, it gives your life an urgency. And that is what seems to be happening now. I don’t want to take things slowly. And so, come spring, I will be leaving the mountains and moving back to the flatlands, by the big river. I have a lot of loose ends to wrap up. I’ll miss the place, in many ways. I miss Jeffrey each day and always will. I can’t make much sense out of this all. I just know that even in sorrow, I have this new relationship that brings me so much joy.
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